Yesterday I spent the greater part of the day reflecting on the past 2.5 years.

I'm finding myself at possibly the greatest crossroads yet.  Before I make that big leap forward, I wanted to look over the past few years and see the themes that emerge. It's important in confirming that I am about to leap in the right direction.  If you read, I would be interested to hear what themes you hear and observe in these little snippets!

July 19, 2008
So I suppose my point is – instead of longing for some “big” ministry opportunity one day … to “go” and find the hurting and needy in some distant land – I’m choosing to open my eyes to the neglected, abandoned right here in the million-dollar homes I have been blessed to enter.
I am learning a valuable lesson through all of this that I will carry with me forever. It is not my job to play Savior. I cannot save all of the orphans. I CAN love those who are in my path today. If I feel that it is my job to accomplish some big task that you can measure and take inventory of – I am off and my pride will cripple me. I am learning that my only responsibility is to faithfully be Jesus today – in each and every life I come in contact with. Oh – and yeah, I fail miserably. But it’s awesome to be coming aware.
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Right before I left – I shared a vision I had for a ministry to homeless with Paul – and he shot me down! I was so grateful because that’s exactly what I wanted! I wanted my idealism to be shot through with realism so that I could continue to dream with a more balanced perspective!
I have a friend who thinks this job was “below” me. He thinks it wont fulfill my “high calling” or something stupid like that.
He’s wrong.
The few days that I spent cooking for Edith, Barb, Gracie, Leonard and Paul were some of the most ministry-packed days I’ve had in years.
If I EVER think I am below preparing a meal and sitting around afterwards sharing life’s hurts, losses and joys with people who are losing their minds – I do not know Love.

July 29, 2008
I just want to BE somewhere. It doesn’t have to be overseas. I just want to BE somewhere. To Belong. I belong nowhere… and while it’s building character… it’s also getting old.
According to Oswald Chambers…. the fact that I’m still dreaming about going overseas shows how much my pride is still in control. Humility is concerned about today…. not because today leads to tomorrow…. but because today is today.

August 20, 2008
It is a time to stand back, as a willing and desirably empty vessel, and watch God do His thing… whether that is in a local church ministry… on a college campus… in a suburban home…. on a bike path…. or, most likely…. in the life of a woman plagued by pride and desiring death. I am the subject of God’s work in my life… I know that sounds prideful… but until I am dead, my fruit will continue to be just that – mine. My desire is that the only fruit to be produced in my life with be straight off the Vine…. and for that to happen I have a life of pruning ahead of me…. painful, gut-wrenching, flesh-tearing pruning.
So Lord, don’t put down those sheers…. keep it coming…. along with a steady flow of grace and compassion…. rip it all away… piece by piece… uncover Yourself as You designed your creation to be. Today on the way to tomorrow.

Nov 18 2008
(Taken from a post written by Nathan Meno after his first visit to the Union Station community)

What struck me was the personal manner in which we spoke with our new friends. We called them by name. For a moment in time, they weren’t known as the homeless people, or the less fortunate…they were known by the first name they were given. That’s an amazing attribute of love. Calling somebody by their first name.

JJ’s Story of Poppy
(Taken from JJ Barrow's experiences at Union Station)

“POPPY! WAIT!”
At this point he was almost bent over crying, but he just kept walking. So I yelled again, “POPPY!” He finally stopped, and I ran up from behind him, swung my arms around him, and just hugged him… tight.
I held him in my arms and he just balled. The more he cried the tighter I held him. I kept whispering in his ear that he was beautiful.
This grown man has his head buried in my shoulder, balling, and I just remind him again and again that he is loved.
His crying started to slow down, and I heard him whisper “thank you! I needed this! Boy I really needed this. Thank you!”

June 9, 2009
Events like this BBQ and the infamous Birthday party (nearly nine months ago!!) serve to bring people together that do not naturally relate to each other. Through grilling out, playing bag-o and hill-billy golf, defenses fall, demographics are laid aside. But – the real work will be done next week, and the week after that, and the weeks and months after that. Throwing a party ignites the opportunity for life-transformation through relationship. It is NOW up to us – will we really allow these new friends into our lives on a consistent basis? Will they allow us into their lives if we don’t have a cook-out to offer? The reality is that some wont. Some can’t yet. Some never will. But for those of us who have been doing this for 9 months now – next week holds more anticipation than this past week. Next week when the party is a great memory – the life-investment begins.
I could write a book about this next phase of community development. It hurts – it’s scary – it’s confusing – and it changes the core of you! It’s at this level that you rejoice and grieve with Miguel as he goes home to CA. It’s here that the loss of Monroe makes you unable to get out of bed for a day or two. It’s here that wondering where Al has been gnaws on your heart week after week after week. It’s here that LOVE connects your fibers to the fibers of men and women that you previously felt no ability to relate to.
This is not a service project – this is a lifestyle. And it’s transforming two communities and creating another one!

August 3, 2009
UpTown. Lord, you granted us intense favor and permission. We have no idea how to steward the amazing gifts You continue to lavish on us….. so…. again…. we hand them back to you. The $500, the key. The relationship with Pete and Tobias. Carol’s boat and Kari’s family. We hand back the favor and the relational permission. We surrender the trust and the respect. We bow Lord, honestly and humbly before You. You are the Lord. We submit to that. Through Your Lordship, use us… however you like. If that’s to preach, Your words. If to love, your embrace. If to listen, your attention. If to guide, your wisdom. If to heal, your touch. If to bind up, your salve. If to break down, your chisel. If to unify, your Spirit.
All I know to do is to bow my head. I can’t do this. I can’t lead this. I’m not creative or energized. I’m not wise or street smart. I can’t sift through the decades of relational mess we’re walking into. I can’t fight the government. I can’t battle theology with Universalists.
But I can bow. I can submit. I can surrender and open my grip. I can pry my fingers off the steering wheel. I can relax in the Holy Spirit Vortex that has taken us to UpTown and will guide us through ALL of the days ahead.

August 8, 2009
I don’t want a man to marry me because I can cook good meals or entertain guests well. I want a man to marry me because his skin itches for me! I don’t want to settle for a man who will provide for me and treat me well. I want a man whose very fiber I long for.
When we approach Jesus like he’s a “good catch” rather than the very substance of our being – we are settling for a life of blessing – and missing a life of filling.
I am not suggesting that making our relationship with God our priority wont make us better leaders – it will! But if that is why I am making God my top priority – I am deceived. Leadership is my top priority. Pride is my motivator.
Can I come to the Lord out of pride? Can I really meet with a transforming God when my motive is for my “role” as a leader?
YES – Leaders have HUGE responsibility to keep their hearts before the Lord – to remain pure and sober-minded. YES! BUT – if God has called you to Lead – He intends to lead THROUGH you – and He cannot lead through an unyielding vessel. He can pat you on the head and give His blessing to you out of His mercy and grace – but you wont be used to set the Israelites free. YOu might run a successful ministry, you might get to speak @ The Leadership Summit, you might publish books and you might become world-renown. But you WONT set the Israelites free. You won’t part the Red Sea. You won’t DARE approach the thundering mountain to bring the word of God to His people. But you will settle for the pat on the head and the blessing – and you will very likely create your kingdom in His name.
Let God use the gift He gave you – don’t use it for Him. He doesn’t need you to. It’s His. Let it go. Let Him transform You into Him.

Oct 13, 2009
Watching Terry from a distance that day, eating pie with dozens of others barely registered on my radar. I feel like I should have some significant feeling or frustration but I don’t. Terry needed medical help. Terry needed friends on his birthday. Terry needed to celebrate his life. Check, Check and Check. He has to make his own choices. My goal for Terry isn’t that he gets clean. It’s not that he gets off the street. I don’t even know if going home to his mom is a good idea. All I do know is I desire Terry to know Jesus. The Holy Spirit is alive and active people!!! We don’t have to do His work! If we are Jesus to people – His Spirit will MOVE them! His Spirit will KNAW at their hearts! His Spirit will compel them to submit and surrender. It is my job to preach Jesus – the hope and promise we have through the death and resurrection of Christ and the personal identification we as Christ-followers make with that in our own lives. THAT is what we do in Chicago.

Nov 8 2009
I am so often brought back to our dear Adam Jordan who we loved and visited for nearly a year in a nursing facility. There were times we thought Adam understood we were there – times we thought he was communicating with us. But ultimately, Adam had suffered severe brain damage. It wasn’t up to us to logically communicate the Gospel to Adam – it was our job to LIVE the Gospel and allow the Spirit room to minister to the heart and soul of Adam.

Dec 21 2009
As we were getting up to go out for a smoke Lorraine said something about me trying to convert her! I genuinely laughed at that one! I hadn’t said one thing about Jesus or faith or anything! Praise the Lord that His Holy Spirit is at work before, during and after we step on the scene of someone’s life!
One last thing Lorraine said to me – as I began to walk her to her train, her son Chris out of ear shot for the first time and she said, “this breaks my heart. I want him to get out of here.”
It’s an honor to hear the heart of this mother. It’s not pretty, and I want to “fix” it for her. I can’t fix it, but I can listen to her broken heart. I can hold her hand and hug her shoulders. If even for 30 minutes on a Sunday afternoon in the Great Hall of Union Station.

Jan 4 2010
What I ended up saying to her was this; “Thanks. I hope people are encouraged to fall on their faces before God because that’s all I know to do.”
It dawned on me. I don’t want to inspire people to love the homeless. I don’t want to inspire them to good works. I don’t want to inspire people to read every Henri Nouwen book written or to read Oswald Chambers every day.
I want to inspire people to Fall on their Faces before Jesus Christ and cry out for His mercy and salvation
It is ONLY through the falling, kneeling, crying, sobbing, speaking boldly – that Jesus has manifested fruit in this life. It’s a daily fight and I charge you as Paul charged Timothy – Pursue your Lord with all you have in you – Fight as if it’s the only means to survival – because, indeed, it is.

April 11 2010
He then kinda looked up at me from his stooped position and said in such a gentle way I had to think a second before I understood: “I thought it was quiet when the kids moved out.”
Oh Mr. Bill.
I asked; “Have you been hugged today?”
He looked at me a little intrigued and answered; “yeah, I’ve had a few.”
“Well, would you like another one?” I asked a bit timidly.
“Sure” he agreed.
When I hug someone – I hug them. Rarely do I causally hug someone. Hugs are meant to heal I think. So I try to allow myself to be fully present when I hug.
As I wrapped this elderly widower in my arms I held him for a few seconds. As we embraced he said; “People don’t realize how this helps.”
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My fringe has a fringe.
When we go to the margins – to the fringes of society – we simply create new fringes.
It’s not about the freaks; the social outcasts. It’s about the Imago Dei. The image of God stamped on the broken and abused bodies of everyone.
Everyone.
(disclaimer – 99% of the time I pass right by opportunities to hug people like Mr. Bill. But that doesn’t and won’t keep me from standing firm that we are called to SEE each other. All of us. Everyone.)

April 11, 2010
Wednesday I discovered I’d overdrawn my checking account 3 times in one week.
Oops.
Then Thursday – one spot on the team I’d hoped for was given to someone else.
Then Friday – another spot on the team I’d hoped for was given to another.
So Saturday came. Micheal Frost spoke at Forge (so did some other awesome people – and it was all very very good). Something about what he was saying revived the missionary in me. Revived the faithful, reckless, unafraid, willing to do whatever it takes for Jesus – Sher. I felt like I was at a revival. Experiencing the Joy – not of my salvation – but of my commission.
I was crying. Because I love mission. I love people. I LOVE that God is bigger than bills and expectations and cultural norms for a 28 yr old girl.