This morning as we finished up worship at the local community church I attend while COMMUNITY Lincoln Square is percolating - preparing to launch in March, I began to understand this was going to be a unique day in Uptown.  It wasn't long before I began to squirm and I began to experience "indigestion of the heart" - something I suffer from often.

Today, this local church in Uptown decided to march against the violence experienced on the corners by the church in the last week - specifically called to action by a murder that took place at 1 in the afternoon on Wednesday of this last week - witnessed by the staff that happened to be on their way to lunch.

There were so many difficult thoughts bouncing around in my head and heart as I listened to the pastor call his congregation to action; call them to fight against the evil in the community; reminding them of God's wrath on the evil and His hate of murder and violence.  Of the many thoughts I struggled with, this was the dominant one:

"How do we condemn the murder on our streets if our hearts are just as guilty of murder and we have unrepentant anger and hatred rampant in the Body of Christ?"

The pastor used a LOT of Scriptures today to rally the troops around.  Lots of focus on God's hate for evil and violence.  There were moments when we were reminded that we must humble ourselves to escape evil ourselves.  There were moments when we were reminded that God wants to redeem gang members' lives.  But the primary message was one of taking a stand against evil in our community and reclaiming the streets.

The following Scripture was all I could think of because it provides an equation for action that sits much better with my spirit than waving flags and marching around the neighborhood as a first step in leading the Body of Christ in action.

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 15 Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place."

It is not that I did not want to march with the hundreds of believers taking banners of peace and placards that read "Jesus Loves Gang Members" - I sure did.  I LOVE that sign!  I wanted to join the community, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  Remember the indigestion I mentioned earlier?  It wasn't that I felt it would be wrong to join them, but I didn't feel like my heart was fully committed to the purpose and in all honesty - I am sure the state of my heart prevented me from being used by God as a vessel in that situation.

But that's why I'm blogging.  I hope to work through some of these thoughts to better understand what was keeping me from joining so that in the future I don't have to be hindered by that indigestion that conflicting thoughts produce in my heart.

Back to that Scripture.

I really think this equation would produce the harvest we dream of - but I also think the equation is not popular and would not be easy to rally a fraction of the people around as a march around the community does.  Posters and flags get attention - media attention.  Men and women prostrating themselves before God rarely draws the cameras and newspapers.

The equation begins with the people of God repenting of their sin and seeking God.  If we as followers of Jesus are willing to lead with humility and the reality that WE are just as guilty as the men and women perpetrating the bloodshed in our community - I am CONFIDENT that a Spiritual force of healing that we cannot contain will rip through our community.

But who wants to admit they are just as evil as a gang member heartlessly taking the life of another human in broad day-light as he walks a few paces from a mother and child.  Who wants to look into their own souls and wage war with the Evil that seeks to destroy them before dealing with the war that seeks to destroy others.  Who is willing to lead a community in repentance and submission to the Holy Spirit?  Who?  THAT is the kind of men and women God is looking for in Uptown.  It's not the men and women who will fight FOR God - but the men and women who will surrender to death - who will let the eyes of Christ penetrate the darkest parts of their souls and deliver them from the hand of the Enemy - THEN return them to their communities as vessels of reconciliation.

I cannot tell a gang-member that their is HOPE in Jesus, if I cannot admit that I am as unworthy of Christ as he is.  I cannot communicate to a woman who has given her body to hundreds of men to support an addiction the love and compassion and healing power of Christ if I cannot look her in the eye as an equal - as a woman of ill-repute myself.

I am.

I have killed.  Hundreds of times.  Some people I have killed over and over and over and over.

I have committed adultery. Hundreds of times.  My wickedness is just as vast as the love of God is.

I have numbed out with my drugs of choice over and over and over.  Being addicted to Facebook, TV, Movies, Shopping, Mom's cooking, working out.  Using those things to coat my senses with layers of death.

So have you.

We talk about God's love being endless - but do we realize the endless potential within us to reject that love?  To mock that love?  To pervert that love?

So.  What am I saying?  I'm saying I missed an awesome opportunity to join my community in standing as a light.  I honestly wish I was more mature than that.

But this post outlines the battle within my heart as I seek to fully comprehend what it means to be a follower of Jesus in Uptown - and how best to stand out as a leader.  Leading is a responsibility that strikes fear deep in my heart and cripples me often by it's weight.

The monthly memory verse at the church I worshiped with this morning is exactly the summary of how I desire to move forward as a woman of God in Uptown:

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."