Jul 3
I don’t think I am very good at Reminiscing. My friend Gidget is great at it. She remembers EVERYTHING!! She asked me tonight about a certain sweater that I literally wore (as if I thought it were new) for around 10 years. I just got rid of it a few months ago.
I just blog-stalked a friend from college who was talking about her love of reliving good-times and I thought about her group of friends and how many memories they were notorious for making. You know, those spontaneous people who make extremely random things (like a run to walmart or Sonic) memorable and a story to tell for decades.
I am not one of those people.
As I pondered this tonight, I can’t help if it ties into my ever-growing friendship problem. I’m a bad long-term friend. I just am. I can’t blog about it yet because it’s a deep one that I still need a lot of time to sift through…. but I think the two issues are related.
As far as Reminiscing goes… it isn’t that I don’t like to remember good times. It also isn’t that I don’t love to be reminded of people, places and experiences… I sure do!
* I have a lot of memories. Last week I went through boxes at home of my stuff and realized that having been to Bosnia, Albania, China, Thailand, Italy, Greece, Croatia and Czech Republic - MEANS a lot more than passport stamps. Each one of those trips has at least a box worth of memories saved at home. I do not carry these memories around anywhere close at hand in my heart/head….. but open up a box and it almost knocks me down! So many wonderful people I’ve forgotten. So many wonderful sights/smells/experiences to remember.
* I do not have time. Quite honestly I cannot wait to sit down with my husband-to-be and tell all the random stories to go with all the random memory items (the cross-cultural boxes shy in comparison to the school-days boxes!!) so he gets the full history of Sher Sheets - and then BURN IT ALL!!! I do not want to hold on to these memories because I do not have time to relive Jr. High. I do not have time to dwell on each piece of costume jewelry still in my old jewelry boxes. All the notes from people I will never speak to again - those almost smell of the smoke that is waiting to consume them!!
* I am constantly making new memories. I cannot thrive on what has happened. I live for today and tomorrow… I don’t really stay connected to yesterday well. I am sure some of this is unhealthy - but I also think it’s good in a lot of ways. There were no “glory-days”. There’s no time in my life I want to go back to. I am still very excited about the path ahead… about the journey I am on…. about the growth, maturity and life-experiences that await. I do not spend much time thinking about yesterday because yesterday got me to today which is taking me to tomorrow.
Awww… I don’t know. I’m sure some of this is the transitional pastor’s kid protecting herself from loss… blah blah blah…. but I will continue to boast in the fact that I may loose touch with the past but I am firmly and consistently planted in today! If I’m going to err - let it be in letting go of the past for the sake of being fully present in today’s relationships and experiences!!!
Jun 28
It is widely known amongst my Naperville friends that Amazing Grace is easily in my top three movies of all times.
It does for me what the sea does for a fisherman I’d suppose. Or what an empty Cathedral does for the priest in training or a freshly cut football field for the rookie before his first game. And yes - I know my analogies do not measure with each other very well…. so I use them lightly.
Amazing Grace - the movie - stirs a passion within my soul to make a big splash in the world. I remember the awkward battle that began at the pool when it no longer was “Cool” to try to make a bigger splash than my brother with my cannon ball. All of a sudden, because I was a girl, the bigger the splash the more embarrassment that followed. What once used to bring me praise and glory now brought shame. Yeah - well, Amazing Grace makes me want to do a freakin Cannon Ball again!!!
So after I watched the movie with my brother (who’d never seen it) I needed to get outside for a walk and a cry and a lot of prayer.
Right before we started the movie a severe storm had passed through my brother’s small town. By the time the movie was over, everything was dry and the temperature was in the high 60’s and the blue skies with wispy white clouds were driven by a powerful wind that blew to my back as I trampled through the high grass on my way to the sidewalk down the hill.
It’s funny the things you feel the need to say to the Lord first before you can get to the real issues… so we talked about those things… I laughed at how ridiculous I continue to be and how dumb I feel saying the same things over and over to Him. I wonder why I say them… neither of us needs convincing…. yet it just seems traditional I guess.
After I got that out of the way I stopped by this marshy area where this beautiful black birds with orange spots were hanging on in the wind to tall grass… and I cried. I cried and I shut up. I felt the breeze and the sun. And I cried. And I laughed. And I grinned. And I got up and kept walking…. quietly.
Eventually it was my turn to speak.
By this point I’m traipsing through the undeveloped part of a 1/2 developed development in the farmland of Wisconsin. I kinda felt like I was in Ireland…. it was beautiful. I will now try to articulate what I “got” from my discussion with the Lord:
For the last many months Humility has been a key word on my lips. I have been reading about it, talking about it, blogging about it, praying for it and receiving many opportunities to develop it. Today I told the Lord again - that while I have this Cannon Ball complex - I am at odds with myself because above the big splash I desire Humility. I desire Humility at the risk of losing the Big Splash. But then I also know full well that where Humility is - Big Splashes (as God rates them, anyway) are inevitable. So there I am - Asking for Humility with the full knowledge that Humility will bring greatness (”if you want to be great - be a servant” - Jesus). So, in an attempt to convince the Lord that I’m asking for Humility out of a pure heart - I explain that I know that the only greatness that is accomplished through Humility is His greatness - and THAT is what I seek Humility for. I want Him to be great and I want to be dead - it’s the only way. Therefore seeking Humility is seeking death - not greatness by way of false humility.
After we got THAT taken care of I pondered my current state and where on earth I might be headed. Again I come to a dead end in my prayers because there are no road blocks. That’s funny - there are no road blocks…. just a dead end. What I mean is, I am so used to praying things like “Lord, I trust you” to help me learn to trust Him; or “Lord I know you have good things for your children” to remind build faith in His goodness. But I don’t need convincing these days. There may be a day that I revisit these prayers - but in this current situation, I don’t doubt Him. I don’t doubt His goodness. I don’t doubt His power, presence, authority or purpose for my life. I believe those things in my fiber - I really do. HOWEVER - all of those TRUTHS about God’s character give me NOWHERE to unpack my suitcase!
There’s no road blocks - just a dead end.
A dead end with 3,0473 possible roads beyond it.
It would be nice to think that as I search for a job the first one that comes my way will be “the One” and that I should take it as a sign of God’s provision.
It would be nice to think that the first mission organization that says they would like me to work for them long-term is “the One” and will lead me inevitably to that Big Splash that’s a good 20-30 yrs away.
It would be nice. God doesn’t always work like that. But sometimes He does.
So after Humility I pray for Peace - after Peace I pray for Wisdom and Understanding and Discernment and Guidance. Then I pray for Humility and Peace again.
And then the epiphany. The answer to - when is it time to jump in the ring? How do I know I’m not supposed to start fighting today a fight that I will be in for my entire life? What if I am supposed to be like William Wilberforce and give the fiery passion inside of me TODAY for some cause and just expend all of my energy until I die on THAT cause?!
Here’s how I found my peace.
My life has been characterized by battles. More than some - yet much less than others. Regardless of where the “Sherilyn Sheets Story” ranks in the files of Epic journeys, the truth is that I have been “fighting” something or someone most of my life. I am a fighter. Sometimes I fought the authority of overprotective parents. Sometimes I fought for the respect of special needs kids at school. Sometimes I fought the bully by being a bully myself. Sometimes I fought for freedom from expectations. Sometimes I fought for a right to think and feel and experience what I wanted to. And sometimes I fought for Truth and Freedom and Justice. Sometimes I fought on the side of Right and sometimes not.
Through all of this fighting, my battles have not humbled me. This summer I met a young woman with a story so crippling I nearly did not believe it. The details of her life were so horrible I was speechless. My shock was in large part due to the character I had seen displayed in her life the previous week of knowing her - she is one of the most humble and servant hearted young women I have ever met. To have a story like hers - and to be redeemed by Christ - and to NOT be proud as a result is powerful. I realized this today.
My battles have not humbled me. My battles have built a fortress of pride around me. I can face any challenge. I can handle and conflict. I can take on any bully or injustice and I swing around the authority of Christ like it is my lucky weapon.
When thinking about the decision to leave DC this summer I continue to be perplexed. The decision I made was so logical. Could I have stayed? Absolutely! Did I want to? Sure! I would have LOVED to walk side-by-side with my FANTASTIC staff. Being out of my comfort zone - being a broken leader - vulnerably admitting that I have no idea what I’m doing and I need help - are all things I am comfortable doing!!! I quit because it was smarter to allow someone more qualified face the challenges of this summer in DC than for me to do it. I did not understand why this was so logical to me and so easy and so peaceful - but tonight I think I do.
I have been asking for Humility. For death. As I walked I envisioned the encouragement and support that would have poured on me from friends and family if I was blogging the stories that are coming out of DC - the shoot-outs nearby - the car accidents (3 already) - the stolen min-van - the possessed man in the subway - the 18 hour days and 6 day weeks. I wonder if the support I would have felt from my loved ones would have reinforced my belief in my own strength. I wonder if it is a better battle for the journey towards Humility to fight things that everyone fights… u know…. finding a job…. losing loved ones…. relationship transition…. finding a place to live…. making a budget… paying bills…. keeping a healthy lifestyle.
The past three years (since I returned from Bosnia) were “the quiet years” and I think that chapter isn’t closed yet. At least I am at peace with that possibility. I am at peace with the possibility that although my spiritual journey started with lots of splashes in the shallow end (you know how annoying those little kickers are in the shallow end!) - in order to make a BIG SPLASH in the future…. I may need a few decades of quiet. A few decades. I did just say that. I am at peace. So…. in light of that, I’m good with anything that may be on my horizon! Starbucks? Sure! Dog sitting? Absolutely! Babysitting? Bring it on!!
The remainder of my walk was in silence. I was given a nugget. I see how my longing for Humility is working it’s way into my passionate justice seeking self! And I cannot wait to see where this takes me!! I know that Obedience is my main responsibility - not making sense of things.
So Obey I will… now if I could just figure out which of these 3,0473 paths is named “Obedience” :)
Jun 18
“Hello?”
“Bitch! Let me speak to Spencer!”
“Uhm… I’m pretty sure you have the wrong number…”
“No I don’t! I’ve been calling this number for over a year!”
“Well… You might want to check it because I’m in Washington, DC….”
- Click -
I clicked back over to the conversation I’d been having with my brother and we shared a good laugh over the poor southern girl who was probably a bit mortified as it dawned on her she’d just called a complete stranger a bitch. I sure hoped she would be able to get a good laugh over it as well!
30 minutes later - she calls back.
“hello?”
In obvious tears: “Hi…. I wanted to apologize…..”
“Oh hun! It’s ok! Ohhh… I wasn’t upset at all!! I thought it was kinda funny and I hoped you would be able to as well!!”
“I’m so sorry !! I just don’t want to live!!”
————————————————
Alison did not have the wrong number at all.
I spent the next thirty minutes telling Allison about a God who created her for a purpose. A God who loves her SO much He let her call a complete STRANGER a bitch so that we could share thirty minutes together in counsel and prayer! I prayed my heart out for Alison and giggled over the obvious plan the Lord had in bringing us together on that Sunday afternoon. I wasn’t afraid that Alison was going to hurt herself - it wasn’t my job to keep her from that. Hurting herself would have only been a symptom of a deeper problem. I had been presented with an opportunity to speak truth to a poor girl who had been deceived into thinking that ending her life would be a wiser decision than dealing with the pain of lost love and overwhelming betrayal and really bad choices.
WHAT AN AMAZING opportunity!!
As soon as Alison stated “I just don’t want to live” I got EXCITED!! I felt like my work-boots had just been tied up and as I began to counsel her I figuratively JUMPED into the muck and mire of Alison’s life with her! What an HONOR! I breathed a prayer of “Alright Lord! Let’s DO this! Guide my words and use me in whatever way You wish to communicate Truth to this girl!”
Three days later and I haven’t contacted Alison yet. I’m not really sure if I should.
It is a REALLY common temptation for us to think that we are responsible for things beyond what we are humanly capable of.
Alison didn’t need me to save her. She needed to be pointed towards Truth. Truth (”I am the Truth”) is capable of holding her attention and healing her heart and directing her steps. There’s a real need to discern at what point we stop being used to point people towards Christ and begin taking on the role of savior ourselves - because it should ALWAYS be our goal to lead others into authentic and personal encounters with Christ without a third-person translator.
I have a Messiah complex. It is exciting to me that I didn’t seem to take my role in Alison’s life too seriously and am feeling cautious about what type of follow-up is necessary. Obviously this is a situational decision - no one relationship calls for the same measure of involvement - which simply drives home our need for wisdom and discernment which are ours if we ask.
It’s really not so stressful.
Be anxious about nothing.
Tell God about it - remember who He is - thank Him.
Then His peace will rest upon you without answers to your problems.
That peace will protect you.
Thanks to Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
Jun 11
Yesterday morning I was going to be an office assistant in D.C.
Last night I was going to be a nanny for another three months while I figured my life out.
Early morning hours (1am) I was going to do anything I had to do to move back to Naperville where my heart-broken girls are (the little ones, not the older ones!).
When I woke up I was going to work at a homeless shelter in Chicago.
After breakfast I was going to live downtown Chicago.
By lunch I was confident that Young Adult’s ministry in the Wesleyan Church (upstate NY) was my destiny.
30 min. later I was pumped about a Sr. Pastor position in rural MD.
Now. Now I have no idea.
What am I learning? I am learning that trusting God is still scary because God’s love may be the only consisten thing in my life ever. It is enough in truth - but it sure takes a lot of courage to hold on to.
I am learning that even when your closet friends who know your heart better than yourself at times - think you made a wrong decision - you still have to take responsibility and push past the “what if’s”.
I am learning: When you have the gift of communication sometimes it’s hard to know what’s BS and what’s anointed.
I’m being reminded of the family reputation in a small denomination and wondering if it’s time to be reimmersed in that world.
I’m learning that the last thing I want to do is say I know what I need or what I am worth or what I am called to do.
I’m learning that it will take money to become poor and that is the saddest thing of all.
I’m learning that somehow in the last two years I lost my independent “I can do it myself” attitude and I desperately long for my community again.
I’m learning that there are people poised to catch me if ever I let myself fall. That’s humbling.
I’m learning to let people catch the pieces of me as they fall.
I’m learning that I am overqualified for the jobs I want an under-experienced for the jobs I am qualified for.
Here is the update: I am still at my uncle and aunt’s outside of D.C. I spent three days doing manual labor with/for them and LOVED it…. but now I am on the third day of sleeping past what I should, sitting behind a computer and not being able to sleep at night. Where as it is nice to have a break for the past year and 1/2 of constant stress and activity… I am close to going crazy. I got my financial information yesterday and with the un-arguable loan from a family member, I should be able to make it this month without too much difficulty. I have enough credit left on my cards to get gas to wherever I will need to bunker down. It is radical to realize that in a week I could be in Chicago or I could still be here, or I could be moving into my own apartment or sleeping on another couch somewhere.
I think I’m going to go work-out now. I need to get my blood pumping.
Oh - I am meeting a family tonight in the area that’s in desperate need of help. The mom is about to have a baby and she’s overwhelmed with a 5yr old, 11yr old and 13 yr old.
Please, if you are praying for me, pray that I will not get discouraged by all the options and that I will not settle for the first offer that comes my way but that I won’t take myself or my life-path too seriously. I know that God will be glorified wherever I go - and that as I have asked Him to guide me - He will!
Jun 7
Three days ago my team and I got evicted from our summer housing - merely days before 70 more people were to join us for the first of 10 weeks of service in the District of Columbia. A few hours after the Fire Marshall left, tornados struck our town. My staff were all out and about in the District, so I was alone in the stairwell wondering what appropriate protocal was for such a situation. A few more hours and my boss had arrived with another friend to help us figure out all that needed to be done. Soon after she arrived we caravaned to a pastor’s office across town where we were promised lodging for a few nights. During this drive, round two of the earlier storm hit full force. By 9:30 that night I resigned from my position as Site Director for DC.
I found times through-out the days to drop quick notes to just a few friends and family - those notes tell the story. Here they are:
June 3 at 12:23am
I hate this.
I want to come home.
I haven’t felt this out of my element since summer camp when i was 9.
the bad and the good:
I desperately need affirmation: I know I must and will let go of that need when it comes to my role as manager.
I want to succeed: I know that I do not have all the tools to be the rock star I long to be. I must accept that.
I am horribly lonely: I am dealing with this struggle the best - so far at least.
I just want to pastor anyone/everyone!: This is my opportunity to work on my business/manager skills
I’d much rather clean the kitchen/bathrooms than make phone calls for 3 hours looking for showers for 60 students to use daily for 10 weeks: I have an opportunity to learn how to delegate AND let go of my cleanliness standards and submit to others’.
I have very little support here. my “boss” is exactly that - my boss. she’s not my pastor. she’s not my friend. she’s not my confidant. I do not think she trusts me. I get very little verbal affirmation from her which just perpetuates my mental clutter. She talks A MILE A MINUTE and uses terminology (names/places/documents) that I am not familiar with. I LONG to make her proud - and I do not think that is going to happen. I am going to have, yet another, amazing - LARGE SCALE - humbling experience.
so be it.
please pray that I can stick with this. I have fleeting moments of peace - but most of the time so far I just would rather quit, sleep on the floor of a friend’s and find a waitressing job!
Please pray that the I truly accept grace - even if God’s the only one around giving it! Please pray against my need for affirmation and “friends.” It is time for Sherilyn to get rid of that.
Please pray that my lack of organization and confidence does little damage as I continue to learn and get adjusted to this organization’s way of doing a pretty amazing thing. PLEASE pray for my communication - my words are stuck in my throat… I have been a terrible communicator and add that to my need for affirmation and lack of it - I’m a mess. it’s pathetic.
Please pray for my team - that they will find some way to respect me and continue to have amazing servants hearts. THEY will be the components of pulling this summer off well!!! W/o question they’d be more efficent w/ a different leader (but maybe efficency isn’t why I’m here?). I need to find a balance between the organizations’ expectations and the reality of God working through our mistakes and growth points.
This is more frustrating than anything. hurt isn’t an issue yet…. perhaps it will come soon.
Pray for rest - the expectation is to be going from 6:45am - 12 pm…. that’s hard. We haven’t really RESTED since we arrived in Pittsburgh last Monday.
Thanks for being supportive and loving. Thanks for praying. Thanks for being part of my foundation.
-Sher
p.s. please don’t hint at this honesty on my wall - my staff are facebook friends…. im supposed to have a game face for them….. obviously im not too good at that already!
Sherilyn Ann Sheets
June 3 at 8:49am
oh and i forgot! I lost my wallet - found it a few hours later - then discovered my laptop is broken. Day one of a long summer….
June 4 at 12:08am
A) THANK YOU for helping me to see that I indeed have a tremendous support system FIRMLY in place!
B) Thank you for prayer. Today my aunt and Uncle showed up on-site to pray for me…. sadly I was trying to get keys made and missed them by 5 minutes! but the gesture was amazing…. (they’d heard about the 7 murders last weekend and the multiple breakins at a nearby church last weekend as well).
C) It’s amazing how everyone’s encouragment (public and privately sent) has the same theme - give all you can and that’s all you are responsible for. makes good sense.
Update:
Today was beautiful!
Am I still overwhelmed? YES!! Did I do a MUCH better job of being organized and on task? YES!! Did I get a TON done?!? YES!!! Am I horribly behind?! OH YES!!!
I am not created for a desk job. I would rather clean toilets (im totally serious) than be making and re-making lists ALL DAY!!!
My dad taught us a word growing up: “stick-to-it-ive-ness”. My brother reminded me of that terminology that is deeply engrained on our hearts. I can’t give in. I can’t give up. I can fail - I can accept help - I can ask for help - but I cannot give in. Thanks dad.
Oh - and Jay the fine for dancing naked in DC is $300…. just fyi :)
Highlight of the day - we showered!!! First time since… oh… Sunday? yeah… Sunday… it was time! :)
Thank you for your prayers - today was great evidence of the supportive power of prayer. That and the healthy power of finding/cleaning/utilizing the coffee maker!!!!!! :)
With love, gratitude and a humbled heart,
Sher
June 4 at 1:32pm
fun update:
The firemarshal came by while I was shopping for supplies - when I got back she informed me that we have to get out.
we do not have the appropriate permits to be there.
ha.
so…. my boss and her boss get to figure this out - for now, we’re holding off doing any more cleaning and building prep…. the 4 of us are supposed to get out too… but luckly she said i wont get arrested if we stay (even though i signed my name to a document saying yes, she told me to get out)
pray!
I am so blessed to have each of u in my life. Sherilyn Ann Sheets
June 4 at 3:33pm
tornados…. here … now….
my staff is all out in the community - im alone….
please keep praying for us.. :) Sherilyn Ann Sheets
June 4 at 4:12pm
hey - i think we are safe - got the all clear from the weather channel…
we are vacating tonight - i have no idea where we are staying tonight - but all is well…. b/c I’m still going to Heaven when I die…. perspective… :)
thanks for the prayers…. my intestines thank you too!
-Sher
my boss is driving here right now - should arrive ina few hours. she’s more emotional than I am… :) yikes! Sherilyn Ann Sheets
June 5 at 11:07am
I stepped down last night.
The reality is - I am not qualified to lead this site this summer. YouthWorks has stand-by staff hired to fill-in where needed…. and with all of the issues with DC this summer… there is NO question that they need an experienced leader for this site. This is not the place for me to “learn” and “grow” - although I am all for that! There are too many lives at stake - too much that NEEDS to happen for the leader of the site to still be trying to figure out how the daily schedule works or how exactly the kitchen is set up.
I have tremendous peace about this. I truly believe this is the best way to serve this organization and the hundreds of youth that are coming to DC this summer for mission trips. Somehow God’s given me an ability to handle “failure” in a way that almost brings joy…. so I embrace this painful reality as NOT a result of sin, immaturity or anything negative - because there is no character issue (etc) - I am confident that this is exactly what the Lord has planned to continue my journey of trusting Him to supply my needs.
I do not know what will happen next.
My boss is trying to get housing for DC - My staff is eagerly following her lead. I am trying to best serve everyone in ways I know (cleaning dishes, counting t-shirts, cooking meals etc). I have no idea how long till this is effective - if they will have me leave by tonight or if I will need to stick it out for two weeks. At this point I am willing to serve and follow - but leading is not something I am equipped to do.
I am humbled by the tremendous amount of family support I have in literally half a dozen or more places in the US! I know that I will find a place to live while I figure out what’s next… although I have no idea where that will be just yet.
Please pray for my team
Please pray for my supervisor - Becky and her supervisor Belinda.
Please pray for God to make my next steps clear
Please pray for my finanances… that is literally the only stress-point in this whole transition - I MUST secure a job ASAP to pay my bills.
Please pray that my heart continues to be pure and that I don’t allow any seed of disunity, blame-casting, shame or fear to take root. This decision brings God glory - I do not doubt that - and I want to do what it takes for that to remain true.
Thank you for your love support and prayers.
-Sherilyn
June 5 at 11:00pm
humility.
I realized it was the secret to survival a few months ago. I read a book about it. I discussed it with some friends a lot. I asked for it. I asked for it some more.
I’m receiving.
Praise God.
Thank you.
Tonight I am getting a shower. Tonight I am sleeping in a double bed with clean sheets. Tonight I do laundry.
I slept amazingly well last night. That peace that passes understanding is amazing.
I was told this morning that the plan was to have a typical work day - for me to help with tasks and keep busy until 5:30 (I also wrote a stellar letter of resignation!) - have a meeting to tell my team that I had resigned - pack up and be completely out by 7 pm.
My team took it differently. Kelley and Kristen handled it well. Kristen got it - she affirmed my ability to be humbled. Kelley acted like she was fine, but I think inside she was freaking out. Dan got mad. simply pissed. He’d kinda been my buddy - like a little six foot five brother. We are really similar, so we hit it off really well and he basically told me I was abandoning them. He’d been looking forward to struggling along with me this summer… he expressed his sincere anger. that was hard. I wasn’t expecting that.
My cousin Bethany and her husband Joel (from Baltimore) came to get me tonight and delivered me to my aunt and uncle’s house. Aunt Bea cooked more food than I’ve seen in two weeks…. and I ate most of it. :)
I look like I should be bathed before being allowed in anywhere… part of the resignation process meant they had to take my shirts back - so I’m wearing my pajama shirt…. u know, an old t-shirt that’s been worn for two weeks w/o washing….. I look hot.
I’m a refugee. I don’t mean that disrespectful to real refugees. Especially since I’m going from sleeping on the floor to sleeping in a full-sized bed with an attached shower. But I don’t know where I belong.
Bethany spent her afternoon job searching for me. My brother invited me to sleep in his basement and find a waitressing job in Milwaukee. Chicago is tempting, but not a wise decision. My aunt and uncle in Roanoke offered to let me move in. My parents are ready to pick me up and cart me home (my cousin reminded me that this wasn’t youth camp I was getting kicked out of - so going home isn’t an option…).
I don’t know what’s going on. I need time. I have peace - I really do. but I’m sad and extremely humbled.
extremely.
I’m excited. I get to find a job! I HAVE to! I get to figure out what’s next!! I am on an ADVENTURE!!!
Tomorrow I get to help my uncle flip a house… Saturday I get to help my cousin move from Baltimore to DC! Sunday I get to worship with my family!!! I’ve got a GREAT weekend!!!
I’m tired. I’m going to sleep now and see how stable I am when I wake up! Hopefully I will cry at some point… hopefully I will let my dam break and allow all the pent up stuff out…. hopefully. I’m finally in a safe place… a place surrounded by family and support… boy!! I might just spend the next week crying!!! :) (For any who don’t know me or the family I come from…. this is actually a really practical and healthy option for my next week!) :)
Thanks to ALL of you for your prayers and support. The Lord’s character is consistent. I have a firm foundation in Him.
humbled. excited. dirty and tired.
-Sher
May 27
God is humbling me.
That’s good though because I have asked Him to - a lot! I will take all the humbling He’s willing to throw my way because He knows I have a massive amount of pride to be rid of!
So today I “went for a run.” Sher Sheets ran - outside - along a very busy road - across a few major intersections - in heavy traffic - in a University town. This may not seem blog-worthy (especially considering the extreme loss I am currently dealing with and the amazing life transformations I am experiencing and the summer position I just started yesterday….) but, trust me - it is!
I’m going to be vulnerable - more than I have been publicly ever. I guess I feel free after packing up Naperville and closing that chapter. weird.
Over the last two years I lost nearly 80 lbs. That’s like an overweight first grader. I lost an overweight first grader. Wow.
The process (which I will not be blogging about tonight) was not typical and many people will never understand it. It was spiritual and emotional - the physical was simply the bonus! :)
So…. This summer I am away from my gym. I am away from my favorite Eliptical that sits right infront of TV #5 that is constantly set on CNN! I am away from my book-reading time (I did 70% of my grad-work at the gym!!). I am away from the best coping skill I have. For the first time since my life-transformation.
terrifying.
So…. today I went for a run. outside. with others.
For as long as I can remember, I was the obnoxious driver who would snicker at joggers as she passed. I would laugh for a number of reasons - their gear, or the fact that they looked like this was their first jog ever - or even because they simply run funny. I mocked them. I judged them. I pitied them. I refused to EVER be one of them!!
So…. today I went for a run. outside.
I realized a few weeks ago as I was thinking about how I was going to handle losing the gym - that the main reason I loved the gym was people could see me for an extended period of time! They knew that if I was dripping when they first got to the gym and I was still running when they finished their “intense” 30 min jog and then I was STILL there 30 more minutes later after their weight training… I wasn’t just some silly girl trying to buy herself some extra calories at Happy Hour. I was serious. I was dedicated. I was strong.
Today people passed me as I ran. They had no idea that I can bench more than a lot of men. They couldn’t see the muscle definition in my legs (I wore capri’s). They probly thought I run funny. They may have even pitied me and judged me as silly or weak.
I ran. and I made it to my destination (group showers…. but that’s another story!).
When I arrived yesterday I was in a funk. a painful funk. I cried every chance I got. I found myself this morning transported to some painful/memorable events of the past few weeks. I was consumed with the loss in my life. I could not focus.
The run freed me. I have NO idea how or why - but accomplishing that dried up my grief. Now… I fully believe I have a LOT more grieving to do… oh boy do I! But somehow my heart is light and my mind is clear! I’m excited. I’ve got an amazing opportunity this summer to work for a fantastic organization in Washington DC!! WOW!
Tomorrow I’m running again.
May 8
I feel the need to just process my life right now. There is no thesis. I just need to write. I used to do a lot of writing - not just because I had papers to write (I am officially done with school work - and NO - I am not going on to get my Doctorate EVER!) - but also because I’ve had a pretty significant correspondence with a friend over the past year and a half that I am realizing was a very selfish outlet for my “sher-ness”. Now that that correspondence has ended…. my “Sher-ness” is backed-up… constipated if you will. I feel messy inside - unprocessed - festering. I have so many great thoughts through the day - and when those thoughts go unshared - they go unsolidified. I lose them. I’ve lost a lot of GREAT thoughts. It’s similar to reading a book and desperately wanting to highlight the amazing quote that just took your very breath away - or made your eyes water and lip quiver - or made you laugh out loud at the coffee house you’re reading at. So you really want to dig in your bag for the highlighter you are certain is there - but a few things stop you: a) do you really want to mark up this book? b) highlighting means stopping… losing time…. taking longer to get to the next amazing quote! c) you convince yourself that you will remember to re-visit that page - and you even dog-ear the page as a reminder. you never go back.
I’ve been reading George MacDonald’s Phantasties at the gym the past few weeks. This book is phenomenal. I heard about it in my C.S. Lewis class…. a few weeks later I found it while rummaging through a used book store in Chicago. Two weeks ago I picked it up and read it. It is in my top 3 fiction books. Uncle Tom’s cabin is also up there.
After I finished Phantasties this week, I picked up C.S. Lewis’ Surprised By Joy (his autobiography) - right where I left off… in the middle of another chapter that is a continual reference to authors and literature I have but an occasional recollection of sound from (like I know Yeats is a famous author as is Shelley - other than that - I get nothing from Lewis’ references - and the book is about how literature shaped his journey - at least in large part it is). Today I was sweetly surprised to come across the night in Lewis’ life where he read MacDonald’s Phantasties! I almost felt like I was sitting down to coffee (or I guess a pint of beer and cigar if I were really with Lewis) with Clive - and that we were processing this amazing fairy-tale! I have a strong love of discussing books. I always have. I love to read - and I love to talk. It is the best way for me to be changed by what I read.
I am very selfish. Despite a rather dangerous and sad week last week - this week has been all sunshine!!! After attending training for my summer job this weekend - I came home thrilled to be me and to be headed to where I’m headed!
Tangent: I forget my history. I forget how I got here. I forget the experiences I have had. I forget how badly it hurt before and yet I survived. I forget how long I grieved - and yet I moved on. I forget.
I found an old diary tonight - a diary I wrote in only 4 or 5 times right after I returned from Bosnia. I am a little concerned to notice how painful leaving Bosnia was. I mean, I remember that - but I don’t remember how painful it still was once I was home. This diary shed painful light on those months - it was horrible. The hardest part was leaving the 2 children that I loved so much. Today I do not think they even know who I am.
What happened? What did I do? Will I do it again?! That thought makes me want to hide - cover myself and hide. I CANNOT transition out of the lives of these kids - yet I am uncertain that I wont. That is scary.
End Tangent
So, I am selfish. I have been SO excited to finish graduate school (as of May 6 at 3:30 pm!) and to have my family start coming in tomorrow for the big graduation party and ceremony on Saturday!! The fact that I am not only broke but can only borrow about $200 more from all of my credit sources hasn’t even killed my spirit! I AM HAPPY!!!!
Last night - 3 people that I love and have loved me and held me in some of my most broken and painful moments the past 2 years needed me. One friend was in deep pain from family crap - another was ending a relationship - and another was facing potential cancer this morning. They needed me.
I am so selfish. I wanted to hold on to my joy! I wanted to stay happy and say “please post-pone your drama till after my graduation!” Of course this is not how I acted - but I am simply being honest about my heart. It was gross.
I did what I could - I really did. I hugged my friend facing cancer (she got the all-clear from the doctors today - praise God!). I walked around town for an hour with the friend in the break-up. I either said something profound or damaging to the friend with the family crap (I never really know with this one - I typically just speak my gut and pray the grace of God does the rest). I did not run away from them completely. I did not ask them to hold on. Part of me was thrilled to be needed - but three dramatic needs in the same night??!!!? And all when I am enjoying being in the spot-light.
Selfish.
I know.
I am so glad I am seeing this though. It’s GREAT to be aware of how deeply that youngest child complex has rooted itself in my personality. I want to be selfless. I long to think of others above myself. I long to be genuinely surprised by affirmation and praise. I desire to be able to be authentically humble this weekend - instead of shining so bright in the glory of the attention seeker. I am not looking forward to that. I know it will be obvious. I know it will be.
I have to accept myself where I am at. I am selfish. I love attention. I crave it - I work hard for it. I am selfish.
I am redeemed. I am loved. I am forgiven. I am worthy through Christ. I am a great big bundle of potentiality!
I miss my correspondences.
Apr 29
Oi!
I am really far.
I just want to confess that tonight. I was at the gym tonight and I was re-thinking through some emails I’ve written lately. I waste my breath. I waste my time. I talk about me WAY TOO MUCH! I was challenged today that my “self-awareness” might be harmful…. I did not understand because the challenge was not unpacked for me - BUT I think I see that my pride continues to be a huge problem. It will most likely be the monkey on my back for the rest of my life. I pray God brings people (who will stay preferably) into my life that have a strong enough voice to call me out and challenge me on this area.
I’m annoyed with myself tonight. I’m not sad or frustrated or disheartened. I’m tired. I’m bored. I’m ready to be different. I’m ready to not be so enthralled with myself. I’m ready to care for the needy and to love the unloved. I’m ready to stop needing to be loved and affirmed. I’m ready to stop fishing for affirmation. I’m ready to stop loving so that I will be loved in return. I’m ready to be done impressing myself and dazzling myself.
I approached a homeless man named Steve at Denny’s the other night because I was insecure. How twisted is that? I sat down with him in an attempt to make myself feel justified. Steve was not impressed. Good for him. There was no “increasing glory” shining off of me that night.
I’m pretty gross.
It’s ok. I know that. I know it will be ok. I know that I really need to accept this part of me - not allow it to fester and stay like this - but I need to make peace with my sin-tendencies. I don’t want to - I want to be perfect (perfection perpetuates this pride issue). I want to be rid of pride. I can’t be rid of pride without embracing my brokenness.
I’m so blessed to have people who still listen to me - people who still read my thoughts - people who allow me to read out loud to them for the sheer joy of hearing my own written word read aloud. I am blessed that these people have not deserted me - that they continue to love me and stand by my side and have such patience and compassion for my festering pride. Amazing. When I get glimpses of myself like this I honestly wonder why people are still in my life. I suppose the answer to that is not that my pride isn’t as big of a deal as I think it is - but that my pride is the same for me as their issues are for them. Love covers a multitude of sins. I suppose it’s love.
I thank God for love. For Him. For Him in my friends and family and professors.
I read a chapter in this amazing book called The Green Letters this morning - the chapter was about continuance (or maybe it was balance?). I am not sure how it was said, but at one point it was explained that ministry in the life of the youth is much more about the development of that youth than it is about their ministry. I need to allow that reality to humble me. There was a wonderful quote about how we may be given insight and wisdom beyond our experiences - but that as we grow - only then will we ourselves actually be living in that wisdom and insight!
I can’t wait to be old and seasoned!!!! Humility comes with age and humbling experiences. I am praying and seeking humility - whatever the cost - whatever the failure and pain - I just want this battle with my pride to be lessened because it makes me so weary.
Apr 11
Have you ever noticed that there are just some people who’s first names and last names have to be said together every time? It’s not possible to simply say the persons first name - you must also tag on their last name. I have kinda sorta become one of those people. I was not always this person however.
Who I Was
I was named Sherilyn Ann Sheets by my loving parents who conceived me in a Sheraton Hotel and decided Sherilyn would be a nice reminder, yet not quite so blatant as Sheraton Sheets, of their night of passion as youth leaders on a youth retreat! (side note - you know how your name is supposed to be prolific about your life? when you’re named after a hotel of conception as opposed to like a super Godly woman in the Bible - what’s the prophecy supposed to be?)
It was not until I was a teenager that my brother - Stevan Paul Sheets - began referring to me as “Sher.” I made it through high school with the annoying task of explaining CONSTANTLY how to pronounce my name. No, I am not Sherry. I am NOT Sherry-lynn. Sherilyn - all one word. That’s how my mom explained it to people over and over growing up. Adding Ann in there simply confuses people: “do you have two middle names?” - No! I have one first name that sounds to you like two names - and then after my first name I have one middle name - like most people. Man! So complicated!
Who I Became
When I went to Southern Wesleyan University in 1999, I decided to become “Sher” full-time. Oddly, my brother, the author of the nickname, did not approve and opposed the use of “Sher” by anyone but him. That didn’t stop me because he was way too far away to enforce that! So I became known as Sher. First day of classes every semester when role was called I made the switch quickly and quietly and had no problems the rest of the semester! Sher Sheets had been created! Soo…. here in lies the beginning of a new identity. Of course it also was the beginning of many jokes. There are classics like “I’ve got you babe!” or “like Sunny!!” or “do you sing??” But my favorite came from my OT professor on the first day of class, 2nd semester, freshman year. While calling role he was standing right in front of me (I always sat front and center in my classes.. not so much because I was dying to learn but because if was the only way I could behave). He calls out, “Sher Sheets?” I quietly said “here.” and he looks down at me, without hesitation asks; “Who do you share your sheets with?” I was horrified. There was a pretty righteous basketball player three rows behind me that I was sizing up for the position (I was a freshman in a Christian college - it’s what we did!) so I was sure the whole world could see my immediate thought of him! I have never been quite so embarrassed in my life.
So…. While a student at Southern Wesleyan University, Sherilyn officially became Sher. Very few people that I went to college with would know who Sherilyn is. In fact my parents came to campus once looking for me, and asked one of my close friends (unknowing to either who the other was) if they knew where Sherilyn was. The friend responded with “I don’t know anyone named Sherilyn, sorry!” Sherilyn was left at Chesnee High School and in my home with my family.
The Creation of “Sher Sheets!”
Brandon Allen. There are so many wonderful memories associated with Brandon Allen! He was one of the most gifted baskeball players at SWU during my time there - and I just happened to be one of the biggest basketball fans! Brandon was my “student” when he was a freshman. I taught his “freshman seminar” class - so I graded his papers and kept up with him over his first semester in college. I was a big important Sophomore! Ha! Brandon is the author of the slogan “Sher Sheets.” I can’t tell you the first time he said it, but I hear his voice nearly everytime someone refers to me as “Sher Sheets.” The memory that I have is of Brandon walking across the parking lot of the apartments at my school after practice or class or dinner or something. In this memory I am typically up on the balcony of my apartment looking down on the parking lot. I’m not even aware that Brandon sees me - but I suddenly hear “Sher Sheets!” called out like only Brandon Allen can call it out. Somehow the way he said my name was musical! It wasn’t romantic - that is NOT at all what I’m trying to describe! It was Fun… it was entertaining, it was unique. I don’t know! Somehow when Brandon said, “Sher Sheets!” I felt really special. I felt honored and respected. I felt unique and truly enjoyed. I realize this sounds ridiculous - but I’m just being honest! I LOVED hearing Brandon Allen say my name!
The Slogan
Somehow “Sher Sheets” has become synonymous with certain things. I suppose they are different in different environments - with some overlap. When I am in school, “Sher Sheets” usually is indicative of carelessness, mystery, passion, emotion and unpredictability. With my church community “Sher Sheets” communicates something about leadership, raw honesty, no-nonsense, idealism and intentionality (I think). It has been very weird to find out that people who I have never met know who “Sher Sheets” is. That is part of why I am inspired to write this. I don’t know how I feel being one of those people other people “hear” about. Yet, I am.
The Main Reason
The other night I was with a dear friend who referred to me as “Sher Sheets.” This was the first time that I wanted desperately to go back and ask my professors and Brandon Allen to call me Sherilyn! Sherilyn Sheets has no ring to it! It’s not memorable - in fact it’s so hard to say it’s easy to forget! Hearing this person say “Sher Sheets” almost hurt. It hurt because behind that name was expectation. There was value associated with that name that is not found in Sherilyn Ann. There was righteousness that Sher Sheets has worked so hard for that Sherilyn knows nothing about. He sees Sher Sheets - but I’m not her. I’m Sherilyn. That is the main reason for this blog.
Who Am I?
There is a HUGE part of me that LOVES the slogan and THRIVES on the identity of “Sher Sheets.” Sher Sheets is funny! She makes super wise choices! She’s righteous. She’s faithful. She loves people passionately and she perseveres! Sher Sheets LOVES theology and philosophy. She reads authors that only certain people have read - so she’s an elite reader. She will tell anyone and everyone “how it is” because she is a truth speaker. She LOVES to hear herself talk and calls it “vulnerability” or blogging. She has a following wherever she goes. She motivates people. She leads the pack. She’s never alone. Sher Sheets works out alone. She’s confident and secure. She’s stubborn beyond explanation. She has the answers. She knows who she is and what she wants. She sets the example. Sher Sheets glows! She’s best friends with EVERYONE! She’d be a fantastic mom and wife! Sher Sheets is going to write a book and change the world one day! She’s not afraid of rejection or pain - “Bring it on World” She says! She’s pretty much perfect (if you like that kinda girl).
I am NOT Sher Sheets.
Sherilyn is less easily identifiable. I am not sure how real she is. Sherilyn is immature. Sherilyn makes off-color jokes. Sherilyn is obnoxious. Sherilyn has bushy eye-brows. Sherilyn is most critical of those she loves most. Sherilyn verbally attacks her family. Sherilyn pushes you away if you get too close. Sherilyn is tough. Sherilyn cannot feel loss - she “sucks it up and deals with it.” Sherilyn is terrified of running outside. Sherilyn wants to wear dresses every day. She loves to snuggle. Her best friend is a cat named Pooella. She gives, gives, gives to anyone and everyone. She picks wild flowers as presents. Sherilyn’s afraid of what Sher gets her into - afraid of the long-term consequences of Sher’s stubborn will. She’s still angry. She’s perpetually alone and rejected. She’s clumsy and lazy. She’s a quitter. She’s a joke. She is shallow and horribly insecure. Sherilyn has no best friends. Sherilyn desperately wants to be accepted by the cool people. Sherilyn hides during lunch so she doesn’t have to face a cafeteria of rejection. Sherilyn hurts you. She attacks the wounded. Sherilyn CLOBBERS bullies. She is the best friend of the alienated. She is dull and ordinary. Sherilyn is abandoned and alone. She is not worth fighting for. She is spoiled. Sherilyn is in the way. She is typically in trouble. She cannot be trusted to tell the truth. Sherilyn is annoying.
I am not Sherilyn.
However…. the phenomenon of the “Sher Sheets” slogan is not the same with “Sherilyn.” When someone refers to me as “Sherilyn” my heart MELTS. Literally… I get a physical reaction every time! I remember the first time Annika called me Sherilyn - she was leaving a voice mail for a friend of mine and she said; “we are with Sherilyn..” I thought I was going to cry!!! Pete started calling me Sherilyn early on. Since then I have always felt a bond with Pete - like he really knows a part of me that I keep hidden.
I wonder…. if the crap I just outlined about Sherilyn is really my core -then for someone to identify me as Sherilyn is to be really seen! To be seen as Sherilyn while wearing the clothes of Sher Sheets! Sherilyn is who gives Sher Sheets her height. Sher Sheets is compensation for Sherilyn. In some ways Sher Sheets improves on Sherilyn - in some ways she perverts Sherilyn.
Who Am I?
Christ. Praise be to God!! Thanks to Jesus Christ - both Sherilyn and Sher Sheets can find healing!! I don’t have to choose! My identity is not found in a slogan or in my past. My identity is found in Jesus Christ! The self-righteousness of Sher Sheets is obliterated in the presence of Christ! The wounds of Sherilyn are healed through the blood of Christ!!! I think there is still something powerful about our birth name…. but regardless of what I am called - WHO I AM is found only in Jesus Christ!! And… the REALLY cool thing about THAT is that who I am is only a result of WHO HE IS!!!!! I am who He is! He is faithful! I am faithful! He is all-sufficient - I am provided for! He is the Sacrifice - I am forgiven! He is powerful - I am healed!
So… who are you? What kinds of masks do you wear? How many identities do you have? Does anyone really know all of them? Do you even know all of them?
If we are believers - we MUST seek our identity in Christ.
I’m still learning.
Mar 5
Right now I should be writing my “Theology of Mission” paper that is due tomorrow. I am very passionate about the project - yet cannot seem to buckle down. I kind of feel like a pressure cooker, or one of those water rockets we had as kids, or the clown sprinkler that would build water pressure and then shoot the clown hat into the air…. I think that’s how it worked!? Stevan help me out with that memory…
Yeah - so when I have a big project due I put it off till the VERY last moment. Part of me is convinced that the quality of work I produce under pressure is higher than taking my time on something, but then part of me is aware that I am sabotaging myself - almost as if I am afraid of what I could produce if I actually gave it my all. Or maybe I am afraid of being frustrated if I actually gave my all because then I would give my all and find out that my all wasn’t enough! Huh - that was deep! I realize the tendency would be to apply this to all areas of my life - but I am pretty sure it’s a solely academic issue - and even if it isn’t, I don’t care to analyze it that deeply.
Which brings me to my reflections on my weekend as a monk!
The very first night I was there, God met me in a fantastic way! He spoke a very specific word of truth that reach deep in my heart and brought healing, clarity and mostly confidence. However - that reflection is a little to deep to share in my blog… :) Sorry!
My favorite part of the weekend was what most might think would have been the hardest part. The Great Silence. From 9pm till after breakfast (8:45ish) - we were not allowed to talk! Not a word! You have no idea how revolutionary that was for me! It was not hard at all. I felt free like I have not experienced freedom in quite some time. Not only did I get to stop talking, but I also got to stop all forms of communication with people! I didn’t have to make eye contact with the fellow student walking past me in the hall! I didn’t have to greet them or be interested in them! Not that I wouldn’t have wanted to - but I wasn’t allowed, so I could just WALK BY! There were teenagers that worked in the kitchen preparing and serving our meals - because we were silent during breakfast - I was released from the normal role of “friend to the service workers” that I often take. Sure I was curious about there stories - but I took this weekend as an opportunity to STOP unnecessary communication! WOW! It was awesome! So… the Great Silence actually affected me past 8:45ish each morning - I held onto a form of silence for the entire day! I stopped being an intentional communicator! I resisted the desire to build relationships - I even told one girl at lunch “I’m trying hard to not want to be your friend right now!” - I ended up spending one hour with her - but that was my ONLY intentional conversation the whole weekend! And I was totally selfish in it - I did not get to know anything about her! WHAT FUN! It was fascinating to me, however, to see how people eventually came to me with intentional questions. I was quiet in social settings, sitting by myself - extremely content in my social isolation - however, group discussions were a totally different story! I still held back and allowed myself to observe and listen, but there were, perhaps two or three times that I spoke up and contributed to the discussion. Of course what I had to say was non-traditional and slightly on a different field than the rest of my Wheaton friends…. but those few times I just had to bring “heart” into the “head” discussion. Heart looks rather ridiculous when it’s surrounded by head… but I didn’t mind so much. I think it was alright in the end because the leaders all of a sudden took notice of me - stopped me in the hall - asked probing questions - thanked me for my input. It was very awkward - yet affirming that I wasn’t out of line even if I was out of style.
That last part - that actually ties in powerfully to the lesson that was too deep to reveal in my blog! haha! It’s amazing though - amazing how God can silent our need for affirmation when we really see ourselves the way He sees us.
I think this weekend I spent in the honesty of my identity in Christ. I did not perform for Him, I did not serve for Him, I did not even seek Him. I abided in Him. I rested in Him. I wasted time with Him. I looked out my window with Him. I contemplated my relationships with Him - not seeking any guidance or revelation. I people-watched with Him. I listened to silence with Him. I napped with Him. I explored with Him. I sat on a windowsill with Him. I browsed my life with Him.
It was a great weekend.
Sadly - my life has returned to it’s normal, hectic, wild state. My need for approval is almost HEIGHTENED after two days of no social interaction or ministry. I wonder if I am feeling on edge right now because I tasted a freedom that Christ longs to bring me permanently. I cannot maintain my life the way I did after finding such rest with the Lord.
I HAVE stopped making so many phone calls. I HAVE started to practice quieting my mind and heart. I HAVE taken moments to STOP and rest - in Him. I have noticed a deep longing in my heart now…. a longing for peace… a longing for rest… a longing to allow Christ to BE with me without me DOing anything for Him or Him doing anything for me!
A great weekend - two more weeks and I will be over 1/2 done with my FINAL SEMESTER OF GRAD SCHOOL!!!!!!!
Now to write that paper!!